Thursday, April 06, 2006


Scenario 1:

Last time I met Dinesh when I was at Pune. He is about 35 years old and a good friend of mine. We talked about lots of thing but he was avoiding speaking about the topic which I am telling here. It was some nice time when Dinesh fell in love with Disha. Fighting against the resistance from relatives they got married. They have a daughter as first flower in their garden. They were happy as I looked at them from a distance. The real agony started when Dinesh fell in love with Sneha, a good friend of Disha. Sneha is sharp, aggressive, confident, may not be so good in looks as Disha. Disha is confident, talented though typical indian girl who believes in following Dinesh. Now the things are changed Sneha and Disha are staying in same city. But Dinesh stays with Sneha. Dinesh and Sneha also have a son now . He comes to meet Disha and Smriti sometimes. He gives some monetary support to Disha also .

Disha, being a learned girl is doing a job, bringing up her kid . She finds a little ray of hope that Dinesh will come back to her. She still loves Dinesh like she did in college days. She don't teach her daughter to hate father. Divorce is out of question for her. Disha is facing all questions from relatives and non-relatives but curious junta. Like a strong women she is denying to buckle under pressure. She is determined to live without anybody's help. She is making her living without the only man she loved.

Scenario 2:

Last weekend I and my father went to our farm at our village. After working for 3-4 hours in boiling climate we were resting in shadow. A lady, around 35-40 years old, was working in her farm. My father knew her. She started to tell her saga. She was married to an alcoholic man. I don't know whether he was like that before marriage or what? They had 3 daughters.

Lets call her Shanti. Shanti's husband (say Ram) was a total failure in his life. He was doing nothing. All farming work was being done by 3 daughters and Shanti. Out of three one daughter got married. Ram is not looking actively about marriages of other two. If asked about farming or doing any work Ram starts beating Shanti. Sometimes he beats his own old mother for giving money to buy alcohol.

As a result Shanti and her daughters have stopped interfering or telling him anything. Shanti has taken all burdon to continue their living by labouring in farm. She keeps looking for ideal matches for their daughters with the help of other helping people in village. Like Disha she is also strong and determined to go ahead without crying about destiny.

Scenario 3:

Last Sunday I went to meet my aunt staying in a town some 40 km away from my home. We were talking about progress report of her son in school. Complaining about his non-cooperation movement she kept water to boil to prepare tea. At the same time an old lady, Radha came in. She was about 55 years old. Radha came to ask for money which was pending with my Aunt for sewing a carpet. Radha, a widow as I could guess from her missing Kumkum on forehead, was looking jaded because of her old age. Radha opened her life in front of us.

Radha's son Naresh is a hood man. He was never interested to care about how money comes for day to day expenses. Radha's family had a small general stores shop in town but most of the time it remains locked as nobody is there to sit. When given the keys of the shop, Naresh will throw them back at Radha only to waste his time in gossiping and roaming with his other vagabond friends. Don't talk about farming he will kill you.

Radha herself run the shop. She cares about watering, ploughing the farm. She is the one who arrenges for feed for their cattles. She keeps doing tailoring or other such part-time jobs to earn money. Like Disha and Shanti, she also has abandoned all hopes from those who were expected to support her throughout life.


These three instances lively happening around me made me think about women. What they are really? Should I call them strong and defiant as they are fighting all odds to continue their living? Or should I call them traditional as they are not willing to break out from the relationships which are not fruitful and not harmonious at all?

Not the post, I guess comments on this post will be more conclusive...


At 11:23 AM, Blogger Joy Forever said...

I would call them both strong and traditional. In some cases probably they can't break away the ties that easily, but in urban India at least they should be able to do so.

Fighting trouble everyday is good, but if you can permanently get rid of trouble isn't that beter? However, in case of the village ladies, I'm in no position to comment as I can't say what their social taboos and restrictions are...

At 9:55 PM, Blogger abhijit said...

My opinion is somewhat like this. Since these personalities strongly beleive on their relationships and cultural values they are confident, bold and defiant enough to face worst circumstances in life. One should sincerely appreciate and respect them. Samir also says the same thing.

At 10:59 PM, Blogger Deepak said...

I wud say breaking away from sumthing is easy , but to be patient and stong at mind at the same time is definetly a difficult ask when confronted with.

If winter is her can spring be far behind. Maybe that cariies all of us forward in our life.

At 11:37 PM, Blogger abhijit said...

MY friend Prasad says:

It looks like a chapter of any women"s weekly eg. letter to ..... asking somebody to solve own problem ref. Gruhashobhika and many more. :-)
Now some serious opinion,
Everybody has his own story,own problem,own solutins,own pleasuring points,own history,own mystery and own present that make everybody of us different and our own life.
lets us go one by one with your scenarioes;
In 2nd and 3rd you have mentioned side of only one party.radha and shanti. How can we say both of them are right? We can consider the way of living of both ram and naresh are not good but "caring" is not only women right. without knowinfg the side of them we can not come to conclusion.
Now first scenario, we are having clear picture. Considering myself in the place of dinesh i am seeing only one option divorce.So that everyone will be happy atleast legally. Law can brake relatives but not relations. By getting divorce disha can start her own life.atleast can.When we think about dinesh-disha relationships we also consider dinesh -sneha . coz she is also having right on disheh. How she is feelin when dinesh meets disha.So come out all this i will suggest to take divorce to dinesh and disha.

At 8:25 PM, Blogger kadambari said...

a very gud write up..indian women have alwayz been known as an epitome of patience..but often d circumstances force them into an unhappy life.they shud try 2 break away from it if it is possible..but as far as i've seen..traditional values help 2 maintain a relationship strongly..nd ppl dont break away..jus like that..

At 10:10 PM, Blogger abhijit said...


May be I have seen very little. But it is a bigger problem as far as right to be free is concerned. Pressure from society also force women to continue their relationship. At least now a days urban women are more concerned about their expectations from partner.

At 11:33 PM, Blogger abhijit said...

My friend Priya says:

your understanding about women’s feelings was good and I liked the way u projected it…not being too sentimental but at the same time recognizing the agony in them in every situation…

Keep writing such good stuff…my best wishes to you…

At 10:17 PM, Blogger tultuli said...

well already said a very nice piece of writing ans being a woman i really feel that we all have to compromise at some or the other part of life...but i feel problems are same for all whether its urban or village people the thing is that situation n problems have diffrent versions...but than i feel human life is like that only

At 6:31 AM, Blogger abhijit said...

@ tultuli: rightly said..but women who are able t olive alone should break away from those relationship gone past reconcilation...Thats what I feel. Compromise till a limit is always fine.

At 7:31 AM, Blogger Gayatri said...

hmm. read the post, Abhijit. Instantaneous reaction: through all the admiration for these women of substance and the anger at the situation/people who caused them to endure all the mental and physical distress, I felt a part of the anger being directed towards the ladies themselves. As you say, there ought to be a limit, and there's something called as personal dignity.

But then I think, each person is unique and each situation is different. why be judgemental?
It suffices to think if one personally would've behaved the same way in a similar situation..or if one would like to praise them as exemplery ladies. I think not.

At 8:16 AM, Blogger abhijit said...

@Gayatri: hmmmm..yeah what you say is absolutely right..may be the level of freedom and acceptance of individual(feminine)dignity is not yet percoalated to rural areas and some people in cities too.

People do what others are doing. Not only women chunk of society keep doing that. The one who say every person is unique, only he/she has understood uniqueness and give justice to it.

I am personally tired of what is called society as I won't find it supporting or encouraging individual dignity, relations. Rather it enforces traditional and downtrodden path to follow. Society(samaaj) don't think that you are unique and different.

At 10:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

u me all just want women to live in a time warp in a false self glory.we want to stick tight labels of sublime qualities on them and make them incapable of wading thro options forget actually executing them.Psychologically it is very exhausting and emotionally killing to not have a man to attend to so many imp and sundry needs in life.And it is a big pretense or escape to be in love with people non existent in their lives.mind u it is extremely difficult in indian settings yet, for a single woman who is considered 'available' it has to be a very well thought out planned step .but surely to be taken , bcos there is a life beyond pseudosecurities.


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